Fragments of the Mind

 She was young, planted in the beginning of springs warmth. Barely a sprig, but full of hope. Tender hands dug through her earth, caressing the veins of her roots. Such promise of the intention of a life of love. She was buried shallow, just enough for the buds of flowers for a season to show. Winter breaks and frost consumes. She's bare and unclothed, still a sprig but with experience of blooming when cared for. Left to the bitterness and lack of constance and intent. She weeps, knowing tender hands will never again dig through her veins and tough exterior, she's too hard to love. With barely a breath left, spring shines its face. She sees the children playing nearby, full of spirit and grace. Without muttering a word, she stands head high, knowing her worth and truth. Hands will soon come, her earth will be new and her blossoms will flow. She sees the towering dogwood protecting its family from the suns radiant glow. She wonders how long it will be before she too can shine. D...

 Hues of sunset and winter solstice. Shape shifting to memories of you. The calm and present twisting out the greed and redundancy. Echoes of laughter and promises followed by the resilience of those red flags. With every rotation, a certainty of growth. Auras brighten and fade when our eyes hyper focus on the shifting of lies. One day its highs of orange and yellow; and lows of melancholy blues. Every turn it seems it's slowly changing; draining out the bitterness until I no longer see you. I no longer hear you in my inner thoughts, kicking down every goal i've ever set. I no longer feel you in the hollow words of I'm sorry. The colliding of my needs and wants are finally being met. My voice heard and my thoughts reassured. His presence of mind and matter collect the abandoned colors and twist them into new promises and green flags. The kaleidoscope of growth. He holds my pieces close as if to guard them. He hears my pleas and is not intimidated. Powerful energy and vibe. ...

 Im afraid to show the filthiest version of my life, afraid that you won't see past my trauma organized baggage. It's labeled perfectly, in numerical terms of which fuck up it was. I thought I was clever by disguising it under smiles and thoughtfulness. Im afraid to open it, knowing my life will spill out like mentos in coke. A volcano of grief and bitterness. Ive worked so hard to stuff down those feelings for the entirety of my life out of concern for inconveniencing anyone other than myself. When Ive said I was working on myself,  I was really hiding, afraid to invest anymore of the last few pieces of heart and emotion I have left. If I hide then you won't see it. If I hide, Im no longer vulnerable. If I don't give it, you can't take it. Im full of damaged goods. Places of my body others have touched with greed and malice. My mind travels continents daily with its overthinking of boundless opportunities of how you will hurt me or how you won't love me correct...

 It happened in the moment it takes to freeze time. One day I was melting in the acidic tears that poured from my loneliness, and the next day your smile took its place melting down my guarded walls. I never expected a simple message to be so important to my healing and happiness. Happiness... I use to fantasize about that word. What it actually means. Other than my kids, i've never really felt it. I never thought it was meant for me to experience. I believed I would always wander around this life in discontentment and shadows. That I ask too much by wanting it. I think i've always been afraid to let anyone close enough to my soul to allow happiness to dwell. To love truly.      I was instantly drawn to you, like a wilted flower stretches for water but I knew you would never see me in the vast world of faces. Yet your name danced on my screen and my heart softened. I was so intrigued by you, and your presence. I wanted to feel your energy. You've helped heal parts of...

 The echo of a hollow breath, resilient to my call. Ears hyper fixated on every sound that falls. Your heart feels as though if it held a glass, it would be filled with the outpouring of tears that seemed to be visions of your past. Your cries are muffled by the fake smile and imprisoned by the  memories that hold you all the while.  Every thought amplified by the constant conversations being held by the demons who rule over your twisted hallucinations. Its deafening you know... The silence. We go without speaking, without feeling. Our hearts beat by without recognizing its own sound. The flame dwindles to barely a whisper, burning to the ground. My soul wanders around like a weary old drifter. The only one I want, is the only one I can't keep.  I push you away and the ice builds in my chest. As easily as I am to love Ill put your heart to the test. It won't come easy, and you'll want to walk away. Stick by me and you'll see that Silence is the only way. 

 In the debris of my damaged life, there shines a dimly lit token of what my heart once was. It was beautiful and forgiving. It showed grace when none was given and held secrets till my mind forgot them. My flame has been wandering through time waiting for my person. Waiting for someone's soul to recognize mine as its equal yoke. Its must have. Ive learned to settle for the bare minimum because today's kindness is yesterday's red flags. Ive always heard the old love died with the elders. The lets stay and fix it kind of love. The stare each other in the eyes until your heart is clear kind of love. Never did I imagine finding such a person let alone one I can call mine. In the same way I became full of Grace and forgiveness, I became cold and bitter. I no longer cared for others and stopped putting myself first. I never felt worthy enough to consider myself to a higher standard. I allowed the world to repeatedly take from my empty cup.  Until you. You have proven to me why u...

 It's like walking in darkness, completely blind. The only familiarity is your heart racing. Every sense is heightened. With out stretched arms you reach for life, but gravity has devoured all recognizable touches. You know it's here. As the flow enters the atrium,  you are aware of the slight scent of it. You breathe in the presence that surrounds you. You can't visualize the sight of it just yet, but it's calming. Its aroma paralyzes you in a moment of serine memories. You are not scared. Its warmth is so familiar, a desire that's burned its wick through your life span. You don't know why but you feel as though if you were to lean backwards into it, the memory will catch you mid air. Its grip is gentle and true. You can't see it, but it's ever present. Like being trapped between the lightening and the earth during a rainstorm. It's electric and full of intense radiation, satisfied only by surrendering to the beckoning of its inhabitants. Suddenly i...

 I just wanted to be. Everything. Something. Irreplaceable.  Strong. Unconditional. Unchanging. Now, I wait. I wait in the stillness. The rain washing over me Flooding me. All my broken vessels in one. The rain brings growth. New life. Restoration. Like a serpent Life slithers through all my scars. The hurt. The tears. The loneliness. As I lay there Broken. The rain gives way again. Filling all the voids. A moment I seem whole. Unscathed. On my way to healing. At the days beginning I feel Safe. Whole Replenished. The break of darkness brings  Panic. Emptiness. Defeat. Im back. Back to broken. Brittle. Vulnerable. This never ending cycle. I just wanted to be. Everything. Something. Irreplaceable.  Strong. Unconditional. Unchanging. I just wanted to be. Enough. 

 You see me for the ragged dysfunctional mess that I am.  My hidden aura revealed in plain, you see me and are not disgusted.  My secrets and confessions displayed as an altar at the gateway of my heart.  I know you must leave me where you find me, but in this place Im not myself.  A heightened sense of urgency when thoughts of you consume me.  I don't believe Ive ever needed someone as much as ive needed you.  Not just the fulfilling lust of being unapologetically me with the lights turned on but the needing of your presence in my life.  Needing of the cascade of emotional and intellectual flow.  Needing of your reassurance that Im worth the effort to conquer.  You fill the desire in my self to be a better human, to love and to be loved by others. To make a meaningful connection and difference To be myself.  In a world where all I have is chaos, you calm my spirit.  I know the day is coming when you will find your equal soul a...

 Eggshells for emotions. Smile so they think you're present while your mind is capsized by a galaxy of false contentment and fading hope. The price of genuine happiness is measure in currency too rich for me. The rich man smiles a sad toothy grin filled with expensive obligations and debt collectors. The middle man sighs with lust of his neighbors feast and bad decisions. The poor mans happiness radiates like invisible fumes from a mirage of a better tomorrow.  Each seem happy, but only one truly feels it. A hallucination of reality blurs the lines of  imagination. The mind secures itself around a safe point. My safe point is a dusting; the memory  of a life not lived. A life stolen. A commitment nobody wants to hold. A figment. A mirage of the  untold truth of happiness. 

I feel let down, sad, tearful. Replaced. Family-less, abandoned. Cried. Hopeless for being what everyone wants. Small. Insignificant. Forgotten. The waters high, Can't breathe. Panic. Responsible for everyone. Taking care of all, but me. I miss her. Im sorry for hating you. For choosing others over you. For keeping my joy from you. I just wanted someone to blame. Never enough. Always disappointed. Can't sleep. Heart races. Breathe. Repeat.