Hidden

 Im afraid to show the filthiest version of my life, afraid that you won't see past my trauma organized baggage. It's labeled perfectly, in numerical terms of which fuck up it was. I thought I was clever by disguising it under smiles and thoughtfulness. Im afraid to open it, knowing my life will spill out like mentos in coke. A volcano of grief and bitterness. Ive worked so hard to stuff down those feelings for the entirety of my life out of concern for inconveniencing anyone other than myself. When Ive said I was working on myself,  I was really hiding, afraid to invest anymore of the last few pieces of heart and emotion I have left. If I hide then you won't see it. If I hide, Im no longer vulnerable. If I don't give it, you can't take it. Im full of damaged goods. Places of my body others have touched with greed and malice. My mind travels continents daily with its overthinking of boundless opportunities of how you will hurt me or how you won't love me correctly. I can't turn it off, and I know you will hate it eventually. I'll be too much for you to handle, and require too much reassurance and you will politely knock my esteem back to surface level. "But we can still be friends" you'll say. Where it will take me decades to learn to love myself again. Im afraid to show you the meanness within, the ugly faces and cowardly nature of my attitude. It's 6ft tall but deep down, I'm crying at the thought of you leaving. I self sabotage every good thing in my life, because i've never been enough for good things to stick around. If they do, Im afraid of being happy. Im afraid of all the hidden crevices that you might discover if you linger a bit too long in my presence. I snort when I laugh and sneeze like a mouse. My body has scars and excessive weight, weight that is more than I can cover up with clothes and makeup. I cry at random thoughts and songs that grip my soul. Sometimes they express the words I can't manage to speak. When I trust enough to tell you about me, my body shakes because I'm expecting to hear you dismiss my words. I will remember EVERY conversation we have, and play it over and over, because surely something i've said will show more than id like of who I am. Im afraid to let you in because what if when your there, you decide I'm not worth it. I'm afraid of rejection and handing over the keys to my baggage, but most of all, I'm afraid of being hidden. Hidden from plain sight, like a stranger begging for money. Hidden away just in case your first choice doesn't work out. The fucking shitty part is, my priority will always be you because I love you. I will go without a million times over if it meant your needs were taken care of. The truth is, as hidden as I am, my love will always be the most pure, my heart will always break the hardest. but I will always be the most difficult to love. That's why I hide, if I can't see it, I can't feel it.