Fragments of the Mind

   Blue isn't a color Blue isn't a color Its the reality of existence. The lump of unrecognized chaos in your throat. Blue isn't a color Its hearing that voice in the back of your mind The one that says stay in bed, it will all be fine. Blue isn't a color Its seeing the smiles and hearing the laughs And knowing that nothing really ever lasts. Blue isn't a color Its fighting the urge to cry even on days that shine. And carrying a burden that's never truly mine.  Blue isn't a color Its the calling of our name out loud And not recognizing the voice Seeing our face in the mirror  And knowing this isn't our choice.     . Blue isn't a color Its the song we long to sing But cant mutter the words without  The fear of the memories that it brings. Blue isn't a color   Its carrying a quiet sadness, hoping someone doesn't say its too loud. The world spinning your chaos closer to the ground. Being hollowed out and expected to still be whole  A q...

     From such a young age Ive given more pieces of myself to others than I can count. People pleasing is my art form and your taking is the amount. If you ask, then I give it never thinking the cost. Throughout my life this has caused a chain reaction and my mind has been at a loss. I automatically assume you want something from me. So I start bending my boundaries little by little hoping you will see. Your hand down my shirt, your nails on my thigh. Im worthy enough for you to take but not valued at a price you can't buy. I speak sweetly in order to cater to your constant manipulations, never realizing all along there were lifelong stipulations.        Why is it that my body is the only token you're interested in taking, when my soul has been here begging for intellectual love and awaking. You hold my hand and kiss my lips, when it's all over you say you don't think its the right fit. My body was a rag doll being tossed around for your pleasure, but ...

 She was young, planted in the beginning of springs warmth. Barely a sprig, but full of hope. Tender hands dug through her earth, caressing the veins of her roots. Such promise of the intention of a life of love. She was buried shallow, just enough for the buds of flowers for a season to show. Winter breaks and frost consumes. She's bare and unclothed, still a sprig but with experience of blooming when cared for. Left to the bitterness and lack of constance and intent. She weeps, knowing tender hands will never again dig through her veins and tough exterior, she's too hard to love. With barely a breath left, spring shines its face. She sees the children playing nearby, full of spirit and grace. Without muttering a word, she stands head high, knowing her worth and truth. Hands will soon come, her earth will be new and her blossoms will flow. She sees the towering dogwood protecting its family from the suns radiant glow. She wonders how long it will be before she too can shine. D...

 Hues of sunset and winter solstice. Shape shifting to memories of you. The calm and present twisting out the greed and redundancy. Echoes of laughter and promises followed by the resilience of those red flags. With every rotation, a certainty of growth. Auras brighten and fade when our eyes hyper focus on the shifting of lies. One day its highs of orange and yellow; and lows of melancholy blues. Every turn it seems it's slowly changing; draining out the bitterness until I no longer see you. I no longer hear you in my inner thoughts, kicking down every goal i've ever set. I no longer feel you in the hollow words of I'm sorry. The colliding of my needs and wants are finally being met. My voice heard and my thoughts reassured. His presence of mind and matter collect the abandoned colors and twist them into new promises and green flags. The kaleidoscope of growth. He holds my pieces close as if to guard them. He hears my pleas and is not intimidated. Powerful energy and vibe. ...

 Im afraid to show the filthiest version of my life, afraid that you won't see past my trauma organized baggage. It's labeled perfectly, in numerical terms of which fuck up it was. I thought I was clever by disguising it under smiles and thoughtfulness. Im afraid to open it, knowing my life will spill out like mentos in coke. A volcano of grief and bitterness. Ive worked so hard to stuff down those feelings for the entirety of my life out of concern for inconveniencing anyone other than myself. When Ive said I was working on myself,  I was really hiding, afraid to invest anymore of the last few pieces of heart and emotion I have left. If I hide then you won't see it. If I hide, Im no longer vulnerable. If I don't give it, you can't take it. Im full of damaged goods. Places of my body others have touched with greed and malice. My mind travels continents daily with its overthinking of boundless opportunities of how you will hurt me or how you won't love me correct...

 It happened in the moment it takes to freeze time. One day I was melting in the acidic tears that poured from my loneliness, and the next day your smile took its place melting down my guarded walls. I never expected a simple message to be so important to my healing and happiness. Happiness... I use to fantasize about that word. What it actually means. Other than my kids, i've never really felt it. I never thought it was meant for me to experience. I believed I would always wander around this life in discontentment and shadows. That I ask too much by wanting it. I think i've always been afraid to let anyone close enough to my soul to allow happiness to dwell. To love truly.      I was instantly drawn to you, like a wilted flower stretches for water but I knew you would never see me in the vast world of faces. Yet your name danced on my screen and my heart softened. I was so intrigued by you, and your presence. I wanted to feel your energy. You've helped heal parts of...