The Stillness

 It happened in the moment it takes to freeze time. One day I was melting in the acidic tears that poured from my loneliness, and the next day your smile took its place melting down my guarded walls. I never expected a simple message to be so important to my healing and happiness. Happiness... I use to fantasize about that word. What it actually means. Other than my kids, i've never really felt it. I never thought it was meant for me to experience. I believed I would always wander around this life in discontentment and shadows. That I ask too much by wanting it. I think i've always been afraid to let anyone close enough to my soul to allow happiness to dwell. To love truly. 

    I was instantly drawn to you, like a wilted flower stretches for water but I knew you would never see me in the vast world of faces. Yet your name danced on my screen and my heart softened. I was so intrigued by you, and your presence. I wanted to feel your energy. You've helped heal parts of a brokenness that was not yours to fix. You've held my fears in your heart, and still desired to know me. You've allowed me to simply exist without judgement. you've drawn out my spirit from hiding. you consume my mind in ways my heart doesn't understand. You are the first person I want to talk to when something goes right, and even more the person I want when everything is falling apart. You breathe into me so effortlessly, and without conditions and you drive me to realize the worthiness that my life holds. I can imagine finally being able to be in your presence, the overwhelming sense of safety covering me like I was protected from the world. what it would be like, head on your chest, and your fingers in my hair...I knew. I knew from the very start. 

    It's so damn hard, like running a race backwards, when you can't even crawl. Feeling everything all at once. Wanting to be so close that not even laying skin to skin is close enough. I know that this is going to be work, but that's what I want. You everyday. I want to build with you and grow with you. When Im finally able to be with you, I have no doubt that your presence will be the stillness in me. When I see you and hear you, everything goes quiet for once and my brain stops processing. Your soul drowns out the chaos and my body relaxes. I could simply exist in those moments and never ask for a single thing else in this lifetime. 

I knew..

I knew from the very start..

I was falling into you.